GUYS. I managed to answer my own question this week and finally (!) found a pair of cutoffs that don’t look repulsive. Part of that was swallowing my pride and ordering a size larger than normal. You really do have to. I’m sorry.
Here they are. They have a reasonable (read: zipper longer than 1mm) rise. They are short without your cheeks falling out. They aren’t ultra-stretchy so they don’t cling and squeeze your thigh skin like others I’ve put on and ripped off in horror. And I happen to like a hillbilly-chic exposed pocket, so.
((sadly not on ebates, but enter TULIP15 at checkout for 15% off or if you are a new customer email firstname.lastname@example.org with the order number for a whopping 30% discount))